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Words usually flow freely to me.
I can flex my vocabulary muscles on cue and rattle off 17 synonyms for the word depressed.
On Tuesday night, all words escaped me.
That's when SIUC senior Ryan Rendleman died in a car accident. Ryan was a friend to all his co-workers at the Daily Egyptian and an inspiration to us all.
When I found out he died, my world shook.
Tears outran words.
He couldn't be gone; God must have taken the wrong Ryan Rendleman. This Ryan still had many things to accomplish, many lives yet to touch.
We were supposed to graduate and walk across that stage Saturday. After the ceremony, diplomas in hand, we would do our patented high-five - one slap up high, one behind the back, then one down low after a half-spin to finish it off.
You should have seen this high-five. We practiced it so much that it stung because we always made solid hand-to-hand connection. I would have loved for that high-five to happen again Saturday.
We won't have that celebration. Yet, we should still celebrate his life; Ryan lived an admirable 22 years worth celebrating.
More than two years ago, the old Ryan was with a different crowd. He said different words and acted in a different way.
I also witnessed the new Ryan. This Ryan wore a smile, would give you the shirt off his back in December and pay you for the gas for taking him to the hospital after giving you the shirt off his back.
The change was easy to see and easier to understand. Ryan found God. That made all the difference.
Through his death, Ryan taught me a lesson. The lesson is the same word I was searching for to describe Ryan on that cold, dark Tuesday night: conviction.
No matter what, he stood up for what he believed in. Many students bury that thing deep inside, whether it is their religious, personal or political beliefs. It's easy to confide in something without telling others. It's comfortable and no one challenges what you believe.
That isn't the route Ryan took.
On multiple occasions, he invited a newsroom of disgruntled journalists to his church. In the end, it's those actions - the ones that call for action - that count.
While at the DE, I hired dozens of people and in turn gave them jobs. Ryan shared his faith with them, dozens of others and, in turn, saved souls.
It isn't the popular thing to do. Ryan's conviction led him to it.
Ryan helped me prioritize my priorities. Oftentimes, I invest all my time into dissolvable things. My career and possessions trump my relationships and beliefs. Ryan had it right. He never lost sight of what he believed in.
Maybe that's why he's gone. God needed him more than we needed him because Ryan had already taught us so much.
He taught me about conviction.
But Ryan left the world with a different word: restless. That was his last status update on his Facebook profile before he died.
Ryan is at peace now - in a place where trivial things like money, possessions and image don't matter.
Hopefully his lesson of conviction will stick with me and I can live my life like Ryan.
Then, one day, we can turn one more of those high-fives, this time in the sky.
Wilson is a senior studying journalism.
